Diet...

Sometimes I will say that one thing is the diet of another thing. Kinda like saying its a poor mans... whatever. Except I think that might be offensive to poor men. It's all about substitutions man, I mean diet anything is a poor imitation of an actual good thing. Diets can never be good or even as good as something by their very nature. Unless you're a poor man, then I guess diet stuff would be AWESOME! But diet stuff for the most part always blows. It has to, its kind of a rule. You don't partake of diet stuff because you like the flavor, its because you like the flavor of the one thing so much and rather than cut down on the amount of it you take in, you try to fool yourself into thinking hey this crap might be the same thing, but it isn't and you somehow manage to swallow the disappointment and go on. Hence, diet can never be a HOLY MOLEY CARL! THEY GOT DIET HERE! (If you want to make something funny and need a name, just use Carl, it works, trust me) Nope, its always less than the real thing. Case in point, diet pop. (and no I didn't say soda, know why? because its not soda, you bake with soda. you don't drink soda, unless you get a gut ache and need to err... release. But that's another topic and why do my parenthesis all of a sudden not require CAPS?) Diet pop has to be worse than the actual pop otherwise it would BE the actual pop. Sans the diet. So in effect diet could essentially mean crappy - less tasty - alternatively flavored - strange after taste - albeit kinda better for you. I'm just wondering if all the former is worth the latter. Sure there is an inherent value in not drinking a bunch of sugar. But dude, calm down on the pops and maybe you can have a little sugar. Do you know what the #1 diet pop is? That's easy, its the only one that doesn't say its a diet pop but it is, FRESCA! And I know this because I don't like diet pop, but I like FRESCA. You should try one. Don't come at me with your Diet Coke... VILE! Diet Dr. Pepper... please, PUTRID. (Putrid is definitely a funny word but let's not kid ourselves its so not breaking the top 80) They say Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper. Who says this? And what kind of school did this Dr. get is PHD? Studies in how to take Coke and add something to it and pass it off as your own? If Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like regular Dr. Pepper then somebody owes me an apology! You're done messing with me Diet Dr. Pepper! Obviously there is a reason there is no Diet Mr. Pibb. And that's because Mr. Pibb and I have standards. And we aren't about to break them because some slob wants to down a 12-pack a day and think its no big deal...

--finn