Quotations...

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

--Groucho Marx (1890-1977)


I love quotations (as you may have noticed). In fact, one of the main draws of writing in a blog was for the excitement of seeing something you wrote (well not you wrote, but me, I wrote it) and then your name after a --. I just LOVE the idea being dash, dash-ed. You have no clue. Even if its by my own making. Now, I don't know if the dash, dash thing is the true standard for saying this is the dude that said that, but to me it means something. (plus its much better than seeing the date of ones birth and death after the quote, not looking forward to that one). It says to the potential reader that this guy said something cool. And I'm just the kind of guy who wants to say cool things. I do, I'm not gonna lie. I love it when people say to me (however they don't do it nearly often enough) "remember that time when we were in the car and the guy asked us where we were going and you said..." Then, there is laughter. I LOVE THAT! I especially love it when I don't remember the thing I said and then it really was funny and I'm like, man that Finn is a funny guy. Now I know what you're thinking, not all quotations are funny, some are thought provoking, moving, promoting social change or just plain intelligent. Yeah, well I've been waiting around for one of those and let's just say I know what my place is in this world. Those things are for the other people, I just want to be the guy that says something funny, but lastingly so. Why? I don't know, get off me, I'm not trying to psycho analyze you am I? But I will tell you the guy I DO NOT want to be. You know the guy too. He's the one always going for the joke. But most of the time he's just reaching. I don't like that guy. You don't either I'm sure. But that's the danger of being me. I live on that edge. This Finn thing, yeah not my real name. But it has come to embody the person inside of me that desires to be funny, as much as possible. The guy that kinda works at it. Some people are just naturals at coming up with funny stuff on the spot. Sometimes I can be that guy, others times I'm the former. How do you hone your craft? I don't know there Oprah, you tell me. All I know is, it has something to do with being around people that are cool. Cool people breed cool people. Have you noticed that? Have you ever seen a group of friends that you just wanted to be around. Its certainly not easy to break into social circles without the benefit of similar circumstances, same job, same hobbies, same whatever. But notice the amazing thing that takes place, a group dynamic forms. There will usually be the one friend who is there for comic relief. He's not really the comic of the group he just says things off the top of his head and they are precious. Most of the time people laugh, the guy feels a little sheepish maybe (or maybe he's clueless to the laughter, those ones are the best) and fun is had by all. You need to take care of that guy. He's more important to your group of friends than you know. Don't bang on him too hard or he'll clam up, nobody wants that. When he's not around, things just aren't as fun. The guy you need to work on is Mr. Way Too Literal (also known as Mr. No Sense of Humor). I don't like this guy. He and I clash. He's the one that when you say a joke he explains in detail why its impossible. As if a humorous thought can never be based on some presumed level of ignorance or some ridiculous gross assumption. He's all, (Insert nerd voice here) well its a known fact that you should change or wash your loofah as often as you change your sheets or creamed corn is highly nutritious and was invented by the French. Nobody needs that guy around. He needs to be at home reading a book or something. That's the guy you bang on. Eventually then he'll be cool as he learns that ridiculousness is funny sometimes. But all of them get the dash, dash at times. Especially the actual cool guy of the group. Now, I don't have much experience with that guy, but I've seen him. (I recommend not having that guy, but you do what you want.) Sometimes, we can be all of those guys in their varying roles. When social groups that have that dynamic, they are truly special. Promote those roles and you'll love your friends in such a way that no distance will ever part you. And there will be many precious dash, dash's. The true -- though is the one that transcends whatever it was contained in. Whether it be a line in a speech, a novel or some article (a blog post maybe? I doubt it). That's the one. The pinnacle. The stuff dreams are made of. Well, at least it is for me, a wannabe writer who at times is told he is funny. I may never know the coolness of having something I said/wrote added indelibly into the lexicon of my cultures best, or even transcend my culture into others. But sometimes, my friends repeat things that I said because they remembered them and thought they were funny. And in a lot of ways, that's just as cool...

--finn

Do you know what I hate?

Creamed Corn. I'm serious, I can't even look at a can in the grocery store without stifling a gag reflex. If there is a more disgusting man made creation than creamed corn I have yet to have it attempted to be put on my plate. Who thinks this crap up? Who gets up in the morning and decides if they chew up a bunch of corn and spit in some milk people will buy it. And WHO BUYS IT? Man I can't deal with creamed anything. But when we're talking corn that just freaks me out. Need a convincing fake puke spill? Creamed Corn. Know why? Because its not a stretch! That can is actually full of vomit. What is vomit but chewed up food with whatever you drank during dinner? Creamed Corn = vomit. And if you eat it, I'm sorry you can be no friend of mine, because my friends don't eat vomit. Why are we creaming things anyway? What is the purpose of this insanity. Cream, good. Corn, good. Why are these two things needing to cross paths? What marketing genius said "You know Fred there aren't enough ways for parents to legally torture their kids, let's come up with a vegetable that kicks brussel sprouts in the teeth, whataya say?" Or maybe the cream guy was like "Hey I got too much cream, what should I do with it?" And the corn people were like, "Hey we got our own problems with all this excess corn." So they married the two things together and wallah! Homemade HURL! Mmmm, let's eat! I'm thinking the only way that stuff gets eaten is if somebody losses a bet! Or has to poop... Or both. Did you know that corn makes you poop? Its true. And creamed corn makes you puke. These are just two of the inescapable truths in life. So people, stop creaming stuff! Corn is good on its own, don't make it gross. Don't make anything gross. Few wiser words have ever been spoken.

--finn

Lucky...

A couple candles, some Gekkeikan, my dog and a cool tune and Monday isn't so bad. Man, that's like a commercial isn't it? "Gekkeikan SILVER... When Monday just blows..."




--finn

"Blog" is a funny word...

Kinda sounds like a noise you make when the roast beef you had for dinner makes a comeback appearance. The word log is funny period. (when you type the word period at then end of a sentence are you still required to add a . ? Seems kinda redundant.) The reason log is funny isn't necessarily due to its sound, but more along the lines of its synonymous nature with all things excrement. Excrement, not funny at all. Turd, though... Sorry I gotta stop, the third grader in me won't stop giggling because of the turd thing...

--finn

"I love it when you call me big pop-pa..."

Here it is... warts and all.




--finn

Sandals v. Flip-flops

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."

--Oscar Wilde

Rock star (seriously, this guy was the Dylan of the late 1800's)

Ok, this year I've finally embraced the flip-flop. Why did it take me so long? You act like its no big deal but it is. See sandals just don't do it for me. I mean yeah, if you're a woman fine, but alas I am not. So this whole point is not in reference to the female culture. No this is speaking directly to the male use of the sandal. Bottom line: I'm not down. Got no use for the sandal. What are you saying when you wear sandals? I know what you think you're saying: I want to feel somewhat formal and its hot outside. Well, I tried the sandal thing once. You sir are not formal. Nothing says I have given up on my hopes and dreams like the use of sandals. And I am serious about this. Sandals were semi-hip (yes I know the word hip hasn't been hip since the early 70's but I'm bringing it back you square!) for like 20 minutes in 1998. A bunch of people bought them and then you could get a pair at Walmart for 10 bucks. Nothing against the fine folks at Walmart, but let's face it once your fashion choices start showing up there you need to take in an episode of The OC or something. Maybe just hit the mall man, see what the kids are wearing these days, because it sure ain't sandals! (Speaking of Walmart, I noticed that when Walmart comes up in conversation there's always one joker who thinks he's gotta pipe off about how they're ruining the free market system destroying the mom & pop operations of the world and then they get all soapboxy on the idea. I love a good opinion as much as the next guy, but when I can get a gallon of milk for like a dollar but have to take out a credit app to shop a mom & pop (I know you can't get a gallon of milk for a dollar there Mr. Coupon Cutter, relax I'm making a point here, get your own blog), I guess I just have a problem throwing money away. Besides, I really don't think this is a conundrum for me the common milk buyer, maybe when the government is done worrying about which ball players have the juice in their butts we can get something done about your mom & pop. Of course if it was my mom and my pop well then I'd be ticked, until then when I need some dish soap, I'm saving the 36 cents.) See the thing is, I guess I always thought sandals and flip-flops played for the same team. They were buds, spent time on the weekends together. Not true... and I can prove it. What is the #1 fashion faux pas involving sandals? As anyone under the age of 50 can tell you it is the use of socks especially dark colored ones. Try to wear socks with flip-flops and what happens? Feels like your big toe is gonna break off! If I'm not mistaken that kind of torture is mentioned in the Geneva Convention. (I do know one thing though if you can wear socks and flip-flops you my friend are a borderline superhero, you can go about your day, I'm not even talking to you...) Need more? No problem, think of the overall convenience factor for the flip flop wearer. You can go from bare feet to outside in like 3 seconds. WITH both hands full. No hands needed. Sandals, not so much. Application usually involves at least one hand. No sir, flip-flops and sandals are not friends. They aren't even from the same towns. Flip-flops are from beach areas like Ft. Lauderdale and San Diego. Sandals, I don't know Kansas? Maybe Nebraska. I think I've made my point. But I do have one issue with the flip-flops (and no, I don't call them thongs, and in this day and age considering the obvious synonymous confusion that could come up, let's just say I don't need that kind of press) I have a tough time dealing with that little slappy noise they make when you walk. For the most part I feel I'm secure enough as a male that I can deal with it, but every now and when I'm in say Walmart and I'm trying to get a gallon of milk really quick, it sounds to the innocent observer like a 50 year old mother coming after her kids in in the toy department in an authoritative manner. And yes, the looks are slightly difficult to deal with...

--finn

I love this guy...

"It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."

--Oscar Wilde

Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900)


"I hear you Mr. Wilde... I shall do my best."

--finn

American wannabe comedian, incoherent babbler, & professional procrastinator (1971- )

Lay off the Dairy...

I really like milk. But the whole idea of it is kinda gross if you think about it too much.

--finn

Diet...

Sometimes I will say that one thing is the diet of another thing. Kinda like saying its a poor mans... whatever. Except I think that might be offensive to poor men. It's all about substitutions man, I mean diet anything is a poor imitation of an actual good thing. Diets can never be good or even as good as something by their very nature. Unless you're a poor man, then I guess diet stuff would be AWESOME! But diet stuff for the most part always blows. It has to, its kind of a rule. You don't partake of diet stuff because you like the flavor, its because you like the flavor of the one thing so much and rather than cut down on the amount of it you take in, you try to fool yourself into thinking hey this crap might be the same thing, but it isn't and you somehow manage to swallow the disappointment and go on. Hence, diet can never be a HOLY MOLEY CARL! THEY GOT DIET HERE! (If you want to make something funny and need a name, just use Carl, it works, trust me) Nope, its always less than the real thing. Case in point, diet pop. (and no I didn't say soda, know why? because its not soda, you bake with soda. you don't drink soda, unless you get a gut ache and need to err... release. But that's another topic and why do my parenthesis all of a sudden not require CAPS?) Diet pop has to be worse than the actual pop otherwise it would BE the actual pop. Sans the diet. So in effect diet could essentially mean crappy - less tasty - alternatively flavored - strange after taste - albeit kinda better for you. I'm just wondering if all the former is worth the latter. Sure there is an inherent value in not drinking a bunch of sugar. But dude, calm down on the pops and maybe you can have a little sugar. Do you know what the #1 diet pop is? That's easy, its the only one that doesn't say its a diet pop but it is, FRESCA! And I know this because I don't like diet pop, but I like FRESCA. You should try one. Don't come at me with your Diet Coke... VILE! Diet Dr. Pepper... please, PUTRID. (Putrid is definitely a funny word but let's not kid ourselves its so not breaking the top 80) They say Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper. Who says this? And what kind of school did this Dr. get is PHD? Studies in how to take Coke and add something to it and pass it off as your own? If Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like regular Dr. Pepper then somebody owes me an apology! You're done messing with me Diet Dr. Pepper! Obviously there is a reason there is no Diet Mr. Pibb. And that's because Mr. Pibb and I have standards. And we aren't about to break them because some slob wants to down a 12-pack a day and think its no big deal...

--finn

Loofah is a funny word...

In the pantheon of funny words loofah has got to be in the top 100. BUT! Did you know that a natural loofah is the fruit of the Luffa acutangula (not funny) and Luffa aegyptiaca (not funny) plants? Technically, its a Gourd. Which is definitely top 5 material for funniest words of all time. Oh, and maybe the word Curd. I can't buy cottage cheese without laughing. I also believe it is theoretically impossible for someone to look cool while saying those words. They're too funny. Something about the way the R and the D work together. I can't explain it. But if someone did explain it then it wouldn't be funny anymore. And then I'd be bummed at that person. Come on man, just let the words be funny! Why do you have to be so stinking literal???

--finn

and so it begins...

Today I grew suspicious of my loofah. I know what you're thinking... you've been there yourself. Its time we spoke of it. How do we reconcile the loofah? What makes him so great, so special, so... magical... if you will, that we can take something that is dirty, rub a frilly piece of plastic over it and what? Its CLEAN?! Yeah, maybe the first time. But! What about the next time? Or even the time after that? What keeps the loofah clean? Is there perhaps another loofah that comes and takes care of him? Does HE have a loofah? WHAT WASHES A LOOFAH!! Yes, of course I know soap is involved Genius! Prepare for devastating logic: Do you know what soap does to the walls of a shower? That's right, it creates soap scum. How can anything that is a primary component of something called SCUM be so pure and honest that it is the determining factor in cleanliness. Do you know what is in soap scum besides soap. You don't want to know and neither do I. Just thinking about it gives me the creeps. This I believe proves your indoctrination into loofah mind control. Oh, don't act like I'm the crazy one. Let's take an honest look at the make-up of the loofah. (and don't think I haven't looked this up on Wikipedia) The aspect of loofahs that make them so effective is the extreme amount of surface area. Each one of those tiny strands of plastic contains millions of square inches. As these millions rub against one another it creates lather faster than your two little hands rubbing at the speed of light. And do you know what else it creates? The perception that you are doing something beneficial. Mind control. I don't mean to get so scientific on you but it needed to be said. Now what is the shelf life of a loofah? WE NEED TO FIGURE THIS OUT! One shower? Two? THREE?!! Now you're just being ridiculous. And now I know what you're thinking... does this guy work for the loofah people?? Get a hold of yourself man! You're slipping back in! I will not sit here and let you go another day rubbing that disgusting piece of plastic on yourself and walk around like somehow you are not perpetuating the very notion that loofahs and all loofah kind are slowly killing us. Because if we aren't clean then what are we? GIANT LOOFAHS! If you want to break free you can join me, Mr. Clean, the Scrubbing Bubbles, that lady from the Pine Sol commercial and Mrs. Butterworth (yeah, she's on board... nice lady) we're taking on the loofah machine ourselves.

Who's coming with me?

--finn