Name Brands

I have to confess something... I am a brand snob. I don't know whether to tell you this defiantly or to cower in shame. Is this a problem? Or am I just one of many who just want a little more out of life? Yeah, that's right I want more. The kind of more that you can't get with off-brand Doritos. The kind of more that only actual Corn Pops can give you. That's right friends of mine, I don't buy my cereal in bags! If there isn't some sort of box involved I've got a 'tude against it. I didn't wait my entire life to grow up own my own home, drive a car and do things adults do to have my standards come up in logos that kinda look the real things, but not really. What are those things anyway? Who says to themselves I'm not gonna make my own thing, I'm starting a business that mimics actual things and make my millions off the backs of hard working marketing beasts by making lower quality, strange tasting pseudo-products that hopefully will fool the less-discerning lot that will say things like "its the same thing" and "I just saved 27 cents!" before selling out in their life completely like when Def Leppard recorded Hysteria. And if you liked that album I'm pretty sure you've got a bottle of Dr. Thunder in your fridge right now. Do you know what makes me this adamant? Its simple really: STANDARDS! Yeah, I said it. Standards. Standards mean you're not going to skip a step. Marketing means something. Taste means something. And not wussing out in 1987 after making an incredible album in 1983, just because your drummer lost an arm. And again, I have to say if you were impressed with the fact that a band had a one armed drummer and/or ever muttered the words "hey he's pretty good" then you don't have a clue what I'm talking about. You sir don't know what all the fuss is about Angus Beef. You could care less if 4 out of 5 dentists would back anything. You don't know why choosy mothers choose Jiff . You don't buy Ketchup, you're perfectly content with whatever Catsup is. You're confused by such things as quality and craftsmanship like they are foreign concepts. You act like you got the sense of "Pour Some Sugar on Me." That's right people my ketchup is Heinz. My mustard is French's. And only Kraft can make my Miracle Whip! Its about hopes and dreams and not settling. Not settling for "good enough." What is good enough about something that is a cheap imitation of what it should be? NOTHING! I will tell you this: If I were to buy creamed corn (yag) there would be a large green man on the can. So is it me? Or are you perhaps just like me but afraid to admit it? I think we both know the truth. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go raid the fridge for more of that delicious Delmonte Gold pineapple that is cut up and waiting for me. Standards baby, standards.

--finn

Confidence

OUR DOUBTS ARE TRAITORS AND MAKE US LOSE THE GOOD WE OFT MIGHT WIN BY FEARING TO ATTEMPT. ~SHAKESPEARE

Have you ever seen on the news where some dude did something amazing and everybody is talking about it. Like somebody went into a burning building and saved a kid. He'll commonly say he did it without thinking, he just reacted. Without thinking? That is significant. Why? I will tell you. So often people will take note of a situation, and tell themselves why they cannot do something. And not try, find a way out. More often than not it is a situation that they would like to fulfill a certain need but don't. This is proof positive that there is a dude in the back of everyone's mind that tell us that we cannot, when clearly we'd like to be able to can. I hate that guy. Who is he, why is he there? Now I don't think he's the same one as the one that says, no young Finn, just because you have a blanket tied around your neck that doesn't mean you'll be able to fly out of this tree. That's a good guy. He's not trying to bring you down, he's trying to keep you from getting dead. This other guy is mean. He won't let you do things that you clearly could. What is the fear? Failure. What is failure? Depends on the person I think. Failure really, if you boil it all down, is merely not achieving what you set out to do right? Big deal. So you didn't do it. Relax. Is the world ending? Did someone die? Well in most situations where that guy pipes off... no. None of those things happen. I've heard that one of the top fears in anyone's life is public speaking. Public speaking? What are we afraid of? You can talk to your friends. You can tell stories to a group of them. Why can't you tell others what you want to tell them. What are you afraid of? Its that dude, he's an idiot. And he exaggerates the possibilities. He tells you there is no possible way when there is. He tells you there's danger when there isn't. So I'm telling you to ignore that guy. He makes you think about the least likely scenario until it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The human body and mind can accomplish amazing things. You dear reader have seen it yourself. But when you listen to that guy in the back of your head. you lose. Heck, we all lose. Because you were just going to do something cool that could've impressed someone else and encouraged them to do something cool. But the moment was lost. I'm not endorsing not thinking, I'm endorsing thinking in a way that ignores that idiot that says you can't do what you just might be able to do, and if you can't SO WHAT??!! You tried and probably learned the reason why. Next time... Boom, rock star. But without the try, nothing. So I ask you to do one thing. Do it for your friend Finn. Today I want you to stop using the word 'maybe' and replace it with 'perhaps'. Why? Because its a start that's why. The word 'maybe' is negative. When you say it, you usually shrug your shoulders. Nothing positive about that. But the word 'perhaps', that's totally different. There is an air of optimism in that word that 'maybe' just can't hang with. 'Perhaps' is the half-full of the indefinite world. 'Maybe' is the creamed corn of possibilities. Always think that you could perhaps do something. You will no longer turn down your hopes and dreams. You'll stop fearing failure. You are capable of much more today than you think and tomorrow even more. Unless you're ugly, then let's face it the odds aren't in your favor. Hope can't help the ugly. Might as well give up now and take up Dungeons and Dragons or perhaps you could start a blog.

--finn

The grass is always greener...

I was driving through a rural area late last summer and came upon a farm fence line with a goat's head sticking out of it. "Hey, look at that goat..." I said with no real point other than the mere observance. Have you ever been envious of an animals body part? Birds have wings, elephants have trunks, fish have gills... you imagine how cool it would be to have something like that for a short time until you realize the extent by which you would be considered a freak and your life would be marred by a never-ending struggle to conform to society's mold of whatever a human is supposed to look like despite pulling off the potentially super hero like actions that having such freakish abilities would allow. (man I love run on sentences, don't you? forget it Microsoft Word paper clip cartoon guy! I'm not changing it, you can make it green all you want... get your own blog!) Well, goats... as you may or may not know have horns. Not all of them do, but this little man did. And if you're going to stick your head through a fence you better be prepared for the consequences. Alas, he was not. His head was stuck there. Those horns said, slow down there man, you are staying right here. Well, it took me and another person a good 20 minutes to calculate a way of freeing this goat. (yes, I stopped and helped, why? oh, like you wouldn't!) And he was not happy. Fact is when you stick your head and horns through a fence it happens pretty easy, getting back out hurts though. A lot. A tear came to the eye of all when that little dude happily took off and ran to be with his other goat friends who had since abandoned him, whom no doubt are still laughing about the incident. You know how goats are! (hey Billy, remember that time you said you were gonna get some GOOD grass (snicker) and you... sidebar: Give me a sec, I just realized I named my goat Billy, too funny) Well, you might think that's the end of this story, but it isn't! Two weeks later, I come down the same road and what do I see? Same fence, same goat, same hole... same horns. I don't drive that road much in the winter time, and for all I know the second time didn't teach him much either. (the second rescue was actually harder than the first) But I was thinking about my goat friend the other day. Not only was he possibly stuck right now and how much of a bummer that would be for him, but also about how there was this huge pasture of grass, green as the day is long and my man was not content with that grass, no. He wanted more. He wanted the unattainable. The good life. His present circumstances were just not enough for him. He had to have the grass on the other side of the fence. The tastier grass. The bright shiny, candy like grass! Maybe he was tired of eating where the less discerning goats would drop their business, which is reasonable, I know I would be. But even when he realized that going for that life was not really a good idea, he couldn't help himself. He had to go back again. Perhaps he thought this time it would be different. But we as humans have the thinking ability and the wisdom to see the possible pitfalls of going after things which are beyond our means. But we actually choose not to use it. We know how this movie is going to end and yet we watch it anyway. We've even read the book! (don't you hate it when people say the book is better than the movie? I don't know how this is possible. books take a lot of time to read and I can see a movie in like 90 minutes. which is much better by my calculations. we get it, you like to read, relax nerd) But we can't help ourselves. Statistics are such that any potential reader of this insanity is over extended in credit. Perhaps living a life that his means do not allow. Here where I live there are some MESSED UP homes. I'm not kidding when I say this. Some people live in some nasty places. But you know what, they all have satellite TV! The good life. Not that $50 a month is some extravagance, but couple that with the beer and cigarettes and I'm thinking a home upgrade is possible sooner than later. But I'm no math expert. We don't ever like what we have as much as what we don't have. Perhaps this is the true human nature. Don't get me wrong I'm not immune to this I want that mentality either. I actually have things that I can't/couldn't afford. I have done myself wrong financially but still found a way to have toys. I have no real measure of discipline in this regard. Yes friends, I've stuck my own head through the fence more than once. At times somebody helped me get my head out, other times I sat there in my misery wondering if some wiser, higher thinking, non-horned man would come along and help me, but nobody came. Eventually I busted a horn off and vowed not to it again. But I did. So the question remains: Will I ever be smarter than a goat? We can only answer that for ourselves...


--finn

(no goats were harmed in the writing of this blog post, well not bad anyways)

Leave a message at the beep...

In my line of work I leave and receive a lot of voice mails. I personally hate the voice mail culture that we as a society have developed. Apparently it was a much smarter group of humans when the day came for actual postal mail to be sent and received and I'll tell you why. Today, this people, our contemporaries have felt it necessary in every voice mail situation to unquestioningly leave specific and detailed information on how to do said task, even going to the extent of telling them that there will be an unfamiliar tone at the end of the instructions signaling the start of their part of the transaction. In the days of what we now call snail mail, no such ridiculousness was required. There was no list of processes to get at the words inside that folded and sealed piece of paper. You know why? Because it was obvious. They just got it. And yet somehow we survived. Somehow human communication continued to progress. All that has changed though. Today I have to sit and listen to please leave your name, number and the time you called in a short message after the beep and I will get back to you. Has no one ever in the history of mankind considered how condescending these instructions are? Imagine having to hear each time you make some toast that you need to put in one and only one slice of bread in each of the slots and pull down the lever, wait, and lift it back up at the desired point of crunchiness. I mean what person on this planet currently does not understand the concept of voice mail to the extent that EVERY SINGLE outgoing message needs this kind of tedious direction. Is there anyone out there wondering what to do when someone says their name and there is a sudden beep! Are they out there thinking "What the heck was that?" Response "What was what?" "I don't know I was calling Fred, I heard him pick up the phone and then there was a beep like sound and no instructions whatsoever as to what I should do now. Any idea?" "Ummmm, RUN! GET OUT OF THERE NOW!!!" Think of the amount of collective time and energy that is wasted on just listening to and dealing with the completely unnecessary voice mail instructions so insanely common today. What amount of greenhouse gases, fossil fuels and chlorofluorocarbons would be held back from their destructive sources if we as a people could just trust that somehow, someway we could make it through the day without someone telling us that our message must be "short" or that you need to leave a name during the call. Sure there will be some people who without such instruction will not quite pull it off. But are we really at a point in our growth as a people that we have to coddle the stupid? If some mind-blowingly regressive mouth-breather needs to learn multiple times that putting his tongue on frozen metal in the winter time is not a good source of refreshment, LET HIM! Good news is, he won't be talking on the phone so much anymore, or least not that well. Yes, I'm aware that with my plan some calls won't get returned. Most likely some confusion will exist. But people will eventually learn, overcome and especially adapt. Seriously, imagine the growth as a society that will come forth. We went from guys riding horses with quill penned notions, to frivolously sending words electronically across the earth in mere seconds, and all that without so much as a put your name and address on the envelope or any kind of beep. We may never know what's next technologically because we have all been dumbed down to the degree that no one will ever prosper, in anything. Am I being ridiculous? I don't think so. Today marks the birth of of Alexander Graham Bell (thanks Google!) and I can't say as I ever knew the man. But if I did, I would imagine him as someone who would not be able to deal with the guy who has a long outgoing message riddled with overly detailed, highly redundant instruction. I'm pretty sure Alexander and I would agree on a great deal. For example should Alex and I ever call each other, we'd leave messages, sure. But he wouldn't be hitting me the the "Hey Finn, its Al call me back." Nope, Big A would be smarter than that. He'd either leave a message telling me what I need to know without need of a call back or he would think expediently and say, I'll just let him notice the missed call and call me back rather than bog him down with a voice mail telling him to do something he had already planned to do but had to wait because there was a voice mail to listen to. That AGB! Smart dude! And I love him for it. Do you know why? Because someone that invents that kind of wonderfully convenient mode of communication would never DREAM of telling me what I need to do in the voice mail every single, stinking time I call him. No he would invent a process to keep that from happening. Problem is somebody already invented common sense, just sadly in short supply.

--finn

Turtles...

I like turtles... As a matter of fact I will rarely pass a turtle who is making a valiant however foolishly slow attempt at crossing the road. But do you know what I wonder? Sometimes I think, what makes me think I knew what way the turtle was going? Perhaps I just set him back two hours by taking him where he just came from? At which point I no longer am a turtle helper I'm way more of a turtle really making late guy. Perhaps all this time I am not very good at helping turtles but really good at pissing them off. DUDE! I was just here, thanks a lot there genius! Which makes me think of how often humans tend to act like they know better when it comes to animals. I'm thinking no. I mean yeah, I'm most likely only delaying the inevitable when it comes to my turtle rescue program, but shouldn't we at times take a look outside of ourselves and maybe learn something about who we're trying to help? Take for example a friend of mine, let's call her... oh I don't know... Dee. Dee recently told me about her turtle "rescue." And this really got me thinking. See Dee found a turtle as the climate was changing and thought, he needs my help. So she brought him home. (!) Yes, home. Not to his home, mind you, but hers. Now I'm not in any way questioning the wholesome intentions of Dee and her kids. I'm even applauding them. But what then? Well, she put him a tub. And I guess put in some things that she feels a turtle would like. You know to recreate nature in this TUB! So maybe a stick, a rock and some water. So I asked her, what do you feed the turtle. I was expecting some sort of pet store brand turtle food. Yeah, not so much. She's feeding him fruit. Not just any fruit mind you but the kind of fruit cocktail that comes in little cups. Oh, yeah he likes it. Wouldn't you? But I'm thinking, what happens when she let's him go in springtime. He's gonna chomp down on a grasshopper or whatever and spit that sucker right back out! Somebody who eats bugs and little fish probably should never acquire a taste for fruit in a light sugary syrup. Kinda makes the lesser tasty stuff pale in comparison. He's gonna be looking for the Sweet & Low and its not gonna be there. And that's just plain sad. Another thing I thought of with this is what if this turtle was almost to his spot he was going? What if he was like 2 feet away when they found him. Man, so close yet so far away. She would be one terrible taxi driver. Take me to the airport. You got it pal... Here we are. This isn't the airport. Yeah, but its better this is a movie theater. You can catch another cab to the airport when the movie is over. But I don't want to see movie I need to catch a flight. Well, I'll take you to the airport in the spring. Bye. It'd be like you trying to get home but people kept driving you to the mall. What is it with us? Humans that is. What makes us so smart? What gives us the right to decide for other species what is good and what is not? But we do it though don't we? Our track record is full of introducing one species of this to control that or to feed this and eat that. I'm pretty sure that the japanese beetles that eat my grapevine every year didn't catch a flight out of Newark. I guess that's one thing that is uniquely human, the overwhelming desire to fix, but never knowing how to hit the undo button. No wisdom here folks, just keep moving...

Top 10 Lines from the Funniest Show on TV

You thought I was gonna say any episode of Most Shocking where tazers are invovled but you'd be wrong (close! but not this time, man I love tazers.  when some guy who really has it coming gets tazered I love it.  I back it up on tivo and watch it over and over and laugh.  someday someone will put together a collection of the best tazer shots from Cops and all those other shows, maybe even mix in some America's Funniest Home Videos rejects where stupid people are playing with one!  That would be the best, I might even put up $29.95 for a pay-per-view of that puppy!  SOMEBODY DO THIS!!  It could be a season finale!  A man can dream can't he?) 

The show? My Big Redneck Wedding on CMT. I have no clue how I ended up seeing this show, but I am so glad I did. Do yourself a favor and catch an episode.

I swear I have not made ANY of these up...

10) "He proposed to me by peeing 'will you marry me' in the road."

9) Bride upon receiving her wedding dress via FedEx: "I ordered a 28 and they sent me an 8!"

8) The florist: "I just can't believe you want flower arrangements in beer cans"

7) "I cannot believe you peed my name in front of her shop" - yeah, same guy from #10

6) Grandma "I LOVE Hot Pockets!"

5) Groom talking about writing his vows "I was gonna use fancy words but I don't have a clatorous" Yeah, he meant thesaurus.

4) "I've been working on that arch for a month now and that dern goat just..."

3) "well goat meat's good."

2) "my nails are camouflaged to match my dress"

1) Bride: "I can't find my teef"
Mother: "Your what?"
Bride: "My teef!"
Mother "Want mine?"

Honorable mentions:
"daddy said he's got a hog for the greased pig chase"
Following the ceremony... "Y'all let's go mud boggin'!"


And this was just two episodes! All I know is, I can't breathe right now.

Quotations...

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

--Groucho Marx (1890-1977)


I love quotations (as you may have noticed). In fact, one of the main draws of writing in a blog was for the excitement of seeing something you wrote (well not you wrote, but me, I wrote it) and then your name after a --. I just LOVE the idea being dash, dash-ed. You have no clue. Even if its by my own making. Now, I don't know if the dash, dash thing is the true standard for saying this is the dude that said that, but to me it means something. (plus its much better than seeing the date of ones birth and death after the quote, not looking forward to that one). It says to the potential reader that this guy said something cool. And I'm just the kind of guy who wants to say cool things. I do, I'm not gonna lie. I love it when people say to me (however they don't do it nearly often enough) "remember that time when we were in the car and the guy asked us where we were going and you said..." Then, there is laughter. I LOVE THAT! I especially love it when I don't remember the thing I said and then it really was funny and I'm like, man that Finn is a funny guy. Now I know what you're thinking, not all quotations are funny, some are thought provoking, moving, promoting social change or just plain intelligent. Yeah, well I've been waiting around for one of those and let's just say I know what my place is in this world. Those things are for the other people, I just want to be the guy that says something funny, but lastingly so. Why? I don't know, get off me, I'm not trying to psycho analyze you am I? But I will tell you the guy I DO NOT want to be. You know the guy too. He's the one always going for the joke. But most of the time he's just reaching. I don't like that guy. You don't either I'm sure. But that's the danger of being me. I live on that edge. This Finn thing, yeah not my real name. But it has come to embody the person inside of me that desires to be funny, as much as possible. The guy that kinda works at it. Some people are just naturals at coming up with funny stuff on the spot. Sometimes I can be that guy, others times I'm the former. How do you hone your craft? I don't know there Oprah, you tell me. All I know is, it has something to do with being around people that are cool. Cool people breed cool people. Have you noticed that? Have you ever seen a group of friends that you just wanted to be around. Its certainly not easy to break into social circles without the benefit of similar circumstances, same job, same hobbies, same whatever. But notice the amazing thing that takes place, a group dynamic forms. There will usually be the one friend who is there for comic relief. He's not really the comic of the group he just says things off the top of his head and they are precious. Most of the time people laugh, the guy feels a little sheepish maybe (or maybe he's clueless to the laughter, those ones are the best) and fun is had by all. You need to take care of that guy. He's more important to your group of friends than you know. Don't bang on him too hard or he'll clam up, nobody wants that. When he's not around, things just aren't as fun. The guy you need to work on is Mr. Way Too Literal (also known as Mr. No Sense of Humor). I don't like this guy. He and I clash. He's the one that when you say a joke he explains in detail why its impossible. As if a humorous thought can never be based on some presumed level of ignorance or some ridiculous gross assumption. He's all, (Insert nerd voice here) well its a known fact that you should change or wash your loofah as often as you change your sheets or creamed corn is highly nutritious and was invented by the French. Nobody needs that guy around. He needs to be at home reading a book or something. That's the guy you bang on. Eventually then he'll be cool as he learns that ridiculousness is funny sometimes. But all of them get the dash, dash at times. Especially the actual cool guy of the group. Now, I don't have much experience with that guy, but I've seen him. (I recommend not having that guy, but you do what you want.) Sometimes, we can be all of those guys in their varying roles. When social groups that have that dynamic, they are truly special. Promote those roles and you'll love your friends in such a way that no distance will ever part you. And there will be many precious dash, dash's. The true -- though is the one that transcends whatever it was contained in. Whether it be a line in a speech, a novel or some article (a blog post maybe? I doubt it). That's the one. The pinnacle. The stuff dreams are made of. Well, at least it is for me, a wannabe writer who at times is told he is funny. I may never know the coolness of having something I said/wrote added indelibly into the lexicon of my cultures best, or even transcend my culture into others. But sometimes, my friends repeat things that I said because they remembered them and thought they were funny. And in a lot of ways, that's just as cool...

--finn