Name Brands

I have to confess something... I am a brand snob. I don't know whether to tell you this defiantly or to cower in shame. Is this a problem? Or am I just one of many who just want a little more out of life? Yeah, that's right I want more. The kind of more that you can't get with off-brand Doritos. The kind of more that only actual Corn Pops can give you. That's right friends of mine, I don't buy my cereal in bags! If there isn't some sort of box involved I've got a 'tude against it. I didn't wait my entire life to grow up own my own home, drive a car and do things adults do to have my standards come up in logos that kinda look the real things, but not really. What are those things anyway? Who says to themselves I'm not gonna make my own thing, I'm starting a business that mimics actual things and make my millions off the backs of hard working marketing beasts by making lower quality, strange tasting pseudo-products that hopefully will fool the less-discerning lot that will say things like "its the same thing" and "I just saved 27 cents!" before selling out in their life completely like when Def Leppard recorded Hysteria. And if you liked that album I'm pretty sure you've got a bottle of Dr. Thunder in your fridge right now. Do you know what makes me this adamant? Its simple really: STANDARDS! Yeah, I said it. Standards. Standards mean you're not going to skip a step. Marketing means something. Taste means something. And not wussing out in 1987 after making an incredible album in 1983, just because your drummer lost an arm. And again, I have to say if you were impressed with the fact that a band had a one armed drummer and/or ever muttered the words "hey he's pretty good" then you don't have a clue what I'm talking about. You sir don't know what all the fuss is about Angus Beef. You could care less if 4 out of 5 dentists would back anything. You don't know why choosy mothers choose Jiff . You don't buy Ketchup, you're perfectly content with whatever Catsup is. You're confused by such things as quality and craftsmanship like they are foreign concepts. You act like you got the sense of "Pour Some Sugar on Me." That's right people my ketchup is Heinz. My mustard is French's. And only Kraft can make my Miracle Whip! Its about hopes and dreams and not settling. Not settling for "good enough." What is good enough about something that is a cheap imitation of what it should be? NOTHING! I will tell you this: If I were to buy creamed corn (yag) there would be a large green man on the can. So is it me? Or are you perhaps just like me but afraid to admit it? I think we both know the truth. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go raid the fridge for more of that delicious Delmonte Gold pineapple that is cut up and waiting for me. Standards baby, standards.

--finn